Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
