chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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