I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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