gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
