Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I did not marry a roomba.
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