if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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