I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
