last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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