Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
