my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
