He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
