you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
