ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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