You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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