so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
