I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
