did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
