so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
