Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
