I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
