dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
