R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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