I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
