Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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