just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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