If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
