Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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