Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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