Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
