i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
