Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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