Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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