Moan for me like Helen Keller
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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