I just pynch a tree in the face
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
