don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
