I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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