So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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