out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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