I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
