she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
