I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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