the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
