after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
BRING THE BAGELS
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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