Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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