so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
