so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
