96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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