:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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