I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
