I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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