dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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