You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
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How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
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You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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