drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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