Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
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Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
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I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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