ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
