when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
sarcasm needs its own font
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
