you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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