mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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